Ten Quotes from Tom Kerr: inspired by Steven Wright

“At a recent meeting I attended, nobody wanted to talk about the elephant in the room, which was a relief because I happen to know he’s very self-conscious.”

“I have an inconvenience store in my neighbourhood.  It’s open from 4:07am till 4:09am, but only in leap years.”

“I told my shrink I was out of my mind. He said there was a store he shops at where they always have plenty.  So I left immediately because I’d run out of patience. He later emailed me about an online store where he reckoned they could get me some in two to four working days.”

“Teach a man how to fish and he’ll stop flirting with your wife.”

“Twenty years ago you paid cash for your groceries and the banks closed at 3pm. Nowadays the checkout chick hands you the cash and the bank’s foreclosing on your house at midnight.”

“Has Murphy’s Law ever been contested in a court?” “Yes, but things went horribly wrong and they ended up with a well-hung jury.”

I bought some online insurance for my car, but when I sent in a claim they said it wasn’t covered because it happened offline.”

“A guy where I work spends the whole day staring mindlessly at a large sheet of glass.  He calls it his ‘iMac’.”

“My wife hates it when I leave the TV on while I do stuff on my iPad. She says I’m wasting electricity. So I learned to touch type and now we save heaps.” (302/365) Q W E R T Y

“My real estate agent asked me to leave a deposit on a house but I refused for two reasons: one, I didn’t have a tall enough ladder, and two; I’d only have to wash it off after I actually bought the place.”

invisible iMac

and also …

“The two supermarkets in my suburb are having a pricing war where they both offer to beat their competitor’s prices by 10%.  I got them down to minus $2897.00 for a small block of brie.”

“In the original Olympics, the most exciting event was in the lap of the gods.”

“If the Universe is mostly a vacuum space and ‘bang’ is a sound, why call it the Big Bang?

“In space, no-one can hear your sarcasm.”

“Is the sound of one hand clapping like the thought of one mind arguing?”

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